I'm Up

I'm so tired and sleepy and right now. I had a very long day dealing with a lot of unnecessary stuff as usual. I'm starting to think that it's a part of my life. But I'm wide awake because I really can't breathe, it feels like my upper area is all congested. Then when I close my eyes to try and go to sleep, right at that moment I stop breathing. Now, this has happened before a couple of weeks ago for the first time. VERY SCARY. I think it maybe something I ate, that I'm now allergic to. If only I could remember what I ate the last time this breathing issue took place. Lol. I really don't feel good like this is such an annoying feeling. Especially, when I want and NEED to go to sleep!!

Sometimes I pretend as if I'm not sensitive or emotional but I am. I have feelings just like any other female out in the world. The things people say to me leaves me to the point where all I can do is shake my head. I know a lot of times the person may say something towards me as a joke, but I actually take it to heart. EVEN THOUGH, I recently read in the bible that one should not take NEGATIVE things personal. I'm working to do fix that though. Trust me. 

To my readers: Have you ever been afraid to be happy? Well, I finally realized that I am! All my life, anytime I was happy the happiness would be taken from me somehow. Anytime something was given to me to bring happiness, it would be taken from me. I then realized that nothing good lasts forever well at least not as long as the bad things. I just have this feeling that once I make this first step towards furthering my happiness, it will be taken from me. So you know what I do?? I just continue to stay afraid. But where does this get me? Absolutely nowhere! But it's just very hard, ya know? Nobody REALLY understands. 

Many people want to walk in my shoes through the good times, but NO ONE would be able to manage if they had to deal with all the stress I deal with. It's like I try SOOOOO hard not to hurt people I care about, but I end up hurting them anyway. And that really hurts me. *tears flowing* Thought I was helping myself, but I'm feeling worst. I just don't know anymore. All I know is that never make permanent decisions from temporary feelings and emotions. Never take someone for granted because when he/she is gone, what will you have left? Probably nothing.

He deserves better than me and that's how I feel. Like why can't I just do all the things that's right. So I sit and think and I realized I don't deserve you. Why do I feel this way in my life? Why can't I just run and hide from the pain that I've given you? I feel like no matter what happens I'll always need you. 

R.I.P. Ashley Clark!! Ima miss you girl! Much love

Peace&&Love,

Chaily